The Drunk Santa Blog

The news channels are currently showing loop after loop of the testaments made by different, fat and ugly policemen of different ranks who talk with extreme pride, in heavily accentuated wrong English. The accent by the way is not wannabe American or Brit, but more Haryanvi mixed with Punjabi.

They all are talking about the recent, sad murder of the 14 year old kid in Noida. The police woke up to the murder after they made their much publicized blunders of course. They blamed the missing 40 something year old domestic aide. The phones of both, the kid & the aide were missing. Eureka. After almost 2 entire days, a family friend who happens to be a retired police official gets onto the case. The guy discovered the dead body of the domestic aide on the freaking TERRACE of the house! It was discovered after almost 2 whole days & the girl had already been cremated & her family had left for some place to get rid of the ashes as well. A proper blood trail, blood outside the doors & a disgusting smell of rotting flesh wasn’t enough to wake up the intelligent Delhi police, who as their slogan claims are ‘with you, for you, always’. Isn’t it like logical to inspect the entire crime zone? Search dogs are a compulsion in the murder cases as well. But neither did they search through the entire house, which obviously includes the terrace as well as the staircase leading to it which by the way had blood on almost every single step, nor did they bother to get the search dogs who would have sniffed their way to the domestic aide’s body within minutes. Efficiency & interest in solving the crime well demonstrated. This case was especially highlighted cos the kid belonged to a decently rich family, lived in a good neighborhood & attended a pretty well reputed school, DPS Noida. The DPS society for once made sense & genuinely tried to help by letting the kids’ make their statements & by ensuring complete security to their parents, well wishers and insecure selfish judgmental people refusing to interfere etc.

The police now claim that the girl was murdered by the parents. She apparently was dating a guy, was physical with him etc. This by the way is almost normal behavior practiced by most kids her age & some even younger to her. I personally know parents who get extremely suspicious/worried if their daughter is single & I don’t really blame them. My own family refuses to believe I am single & cross question me to heights of irritation trying to get me to ‘trust’ them & ‘be friends with them’ and tell them about my non existent boyfriend (sometimes even a girlfriend is considered! Like, omg wtf how can they even think like that!) because they apparently are extremely comfortable with the thought of me having one. Oh and as far as the physical aspect of the relationship is concerned, there is a certain, aim / belief / peer pressure / bullcrap need to ‘do it’ before 17. The guys certainly believe in achieving it more than the girls & I’m not saying that literally every kid is supposed to do it but this weird need is more apparent in the younger generation of the 13-15 year olds. Gawd I know kids who have gone way more farther than what I’d ever imagine and they’re barely 13-15. And the DPSes aren’t known for conservative, cultural academic environments anyway. Heck, weird, conformists still scream ‘vo MMS wala school’ (that celebrated school with the MMS case) every time they hear any mention of DPS RKP. So well, the physical aspect is pretty justified to me atleast. Quite alota parents are pretty cool with it too. Facebook is a proof of such parents where couples have posted pictures of themselves hugging/kissing & their parents have very sweetly commented on the pictures as well. This practice though is not that common though but alota my friends share these ’secrets’ with their parents pretty freely. My own brother who is well, of another generation since he is about 14 years older to me is genuinely happy to discuss my relationships etc and usually has wilder advice for me. So if young Arushi was seeing someone & was intimate with him as well, I’m sure the parents won’t go blind with rage enough to murder their own daughter days before she turned 14 by slitting her f**king throat in her own bed. Oh and murdering the domestic aide as well since ‘he knew’. Maybe they did kill the two, but then what has the world come to?! Family living in one of the best residential areas of quite a cosmopolitan capital of the nation, daughter studying in a reputed school, apparently dating someone so parents go ahead & murder her to save the family name & then kill the old servant cos he knew. Unbelievable to me atleast. Would’ve been a little convincing if the family was below poverty line, not educated & obviously conservative. The police might just be framing the parents since there is literally no other clue & they cannot bother enough to bust their asses trying to find some until the media, the youth & the opposition take it personally.

I thought of writing about this as my Dad, usually beyond ignorant about my activities, whereabouts, friends etc suddenly demanded all my friends’ addresses & their parents’ phone numbers. He even threatened me saying that I won’t ever be allowed to step outside the main door if I don’t give him the correct addresses of the kids I’m going with & the place I’m going to. Now that is extremely hard for me since me & my um, quite like myself friends are never decided about the destination of our travels & weekend night outs together until we actually get there. This makes it really hard to be truthful to dad since, well i won’t really know the true destination till I get there right? So well, this hasn’t really got anything to do with the issue but what the hell, my Dad is kinda unreasonable & kinda ignorant of the device known as cell phone through which I can be contacted at any hour & I’d obviously tell him where I am then. Sad part, alota parents have similar reactions & demands which is obviously making already hard lives harder. So well, this irritates me more since this sudden ‘regulation’ is the consequence of him & other parents watching the loops of the girl’s boyfriend being discovered by the police & parents not knowing anything about who her friends were, where she went etc. I’ll see to it that this regulation is never practiced by me atleast & my friends can obviously be trusted to do the same cos, heck its impossible for us to practice it ^_^!

Back to the point, the Indian Police are practically known for framing the innocent, accepting bribes, corruption etc all over the freaking world anyway. I wish they don’t practice old habits again, but then wishes related to the system hardly ever come true.

May Arushi Talwar’s almost 14 years old soul rest in peace

PS: The case hasn’t obviously been solved as yet, the parents are in the line of suspects. The post will be updated regularly with all the recent developments.

Updates:
Arushi was going to turn 15 according to the Times of India & the Sunday Times, 14 when she was murdered & 16 by a prominent news channel. usually a kid in 9th is 14 years old, but well the exceptions are always there, not to mention misconceptions <_<.

The police declared Arushi’s father as the murderer & made scandalizing comments about the poor girl’s character. An officer was suspended because of this. They even went ahead & indirectly claimed that the father has confessed guilty. The father has been arrested for questioning. Arushi’s mother is busy with press conferences claiming that her husband could never kill Arushi. If you ask me, he very well could have, but who knows. The police claim the father killed Arushi since she had issues with him over his ‘affair’ with the neighbor. She supposedly got ‘close’ to the 40year old house aide. He got pissed and killed both.

As if all her friends & the guys in her school had died.

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The first beta version of The Drunk Santa Poopcast is up on archive.org/ourmedia

It’s just a small brief introduction of the podcast and what we are gonna talk about on it.

Stream the 128Kbps MP3 format here

Or you can go ahead and choose the format you want to stream in:

http://www.archive.org/details/JayeshBhagchandaniTheDrunkSantaPoopcast_0.001/

We haven’t made it available for download yet, but if you do have extensions like Download Helper, you’ll be able to save the file, it’s my job to warn you that, it would be illegal to do so.

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The story that has gripped the nation, the blasts which have been given less importance then the IPL matches. We, at The Drunk Santa, cover it exclusively. Out tag being “If it becomes news, it’ll be on The Drunk Santa.” Yeah news can be more difficult to read and ‘create’ then Mughal-e-Azam’s dialogues. One has to be dramatic and look serious even when you’re laughing like shit inside.

So let’s get to the jaw-gripping story, 5 people from Bangladesh have been arrested, as they are the suspects of the more then a week old bomb blasts in Jaipur, Rajasthan.

Those 5 Bangladeshis have all government papers, which prove that they are Indian (According to NDTV.) So, they are basically illegal Indians if I am not wrong.

Now see, we follow in the footsteps of our favorite developed nation also known on TDS as ‘big brother’, like them we arrest people on the basis of their community, if a bunch of people from Bangladesh were connected to the blast that doesn’t mean every Bangladeshi is a terrorist.

I am not saying that they are not in anyway related to the blasts, maybe they are, but arresting them on the fact they are Bangladeshis ‘ain’t kool dawg’. Either they are Indians or they are illegal migrants from Bangladesh who just by the by happen to have all documents which can prove that they are Indians.

Sure we can blame our highly corrupted officers but we can and will blame the Bangladeshi government, as they cannot take care of their own people, and I speak here on behalf of all Youngistaanies in Hindustan XD. And then their people come here and do ‘things’ by ‘things’ I mean stuff like the ‘OMG-like-very-scary’ bomb blasts and prostitution, yes well according to another NDTV report most of the prostitutes in India are from Bangladesh.

Of course you can find illegal migrants in every country, even an undeveloped country. But it really does matter how the government take on this problem, our government decided to follow Bush-ism and I guess we are not far from the day we are at war with a small country XD. This time I don’t have any pointers for them, not because I can think of any, but because the government is doing oh-so-darn’-well.

Some political party in 2007 had written a letter about the growing problem of illegal migrants in Jaipur, the center replied with a letter saying that they be put in camps and later on we can deal with them, and you just have to say ‘What the F?’ here. (Yes, Wassup Youngistaan on MTV is like OMG-better-then-Roadies)

Anyhoo, I’ll wrap it up here, this news report was sponsored by Tata Sky -isko laga dala toh life jing-alalala.

Posted by Jayesh Bhagchandani.

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The very famous and the much over-hyped, flyover-for-walks is being constructed in ‘Mumbai’ near the Bandra Terminus, I noticed it when I was leaving for Surat, a small city in Gujrat. The flyover for the people is named the SkyWalk. It’s being constructed by the MMRDA which has a very brand-like image to it, and it’s also very famous for not completing projects on time, oh and of course you can blame them for the floods in July, the bygone and the coming July that is.

So what is the SkyWalk? It’s basically, err, a 4km route for people to walk, no cars allowed, yet. I mean they will let the traffic pass when there are more cars than people.

Our government is constructing a road on a road which is filled with potholes? Now that is darn’ smart of them, they don’t want the people of the developed countries thinking we have bad roads, so because they know they can’t repair stuff, they make stuff over it, which obviously causes a jam on the way to catch a train and also when you want to go to the Bandra Court. The whole footpath (which amazingly does exist) has been used to build the pillars for the uber-cool Skywalk.

According to my personal opinion, I think it’s a waste of tax-payers money, you know the money which remains after the ministers pocket it.

Yes, Mumbai does need infrastructure, but what we need is basic infrastructure, and the SkyWalk is an example of  advanced infrastructure, and if I am not wrong, basic comes before advanced. How about filling up those potholes and completing those roads you have been digging since the past year?

Soon you’ll see hutmen and transsexuals on the SkyWalk, asking for bread - even they can widen their areas. I guess they’re really happy with the ‘transformation’ and the ’shining’ India is going through. And maybe you could see our generation’s ’sex-starved’ couples making out there. XD

I also took an opinion from a taxpayer, who happens to be my dad, Mr. Omkarnath (named changed) and he said that MMRDA has lost it. My cousin just shouted “USSAAA!” while we were stuck in the traffic.

And I also have a problem with the name SkyWalk, why can’t you name it something cooler like Moonwalk? =\

Conclusion : Let us not try to impress the country which blames us for the high consumption of wheat. And trust me the SkyWalk isn’t high, it’s more like an in-between-wannabe-SkyWalk XD And like today’s Youngistaanies say, let’s just be ourselves and not imitate the big brother.

Guest Appearances : Palak Parekh as Editor for spelling mistakes >.< | Dad : For the snarky comment on the MMRDA | Manoj : For shouting USA in a traffic jam and for coining the word ’sex-starved’.

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Statutory Warning:

This post may contain a lot of religiously offensive material. Well, if you think about it, not really, but there’ll always be the boneheaded. And since we love our audience so much..

Okay, so I went to see Akshardham (Delhi) today. For those of you who don’t know what that is:

“BAPS Swaminarayan Akshardham in New Delhi, India, is the world’s largest comprehensive Hindu temple. It measures 356 ft. long, 316 ft. wide and 141 ft. high, covering an area of 86,342 sq. ft. The grand, ancient-style, ornately hand-carved stone temple has been built without structural steel within five years by 11,000 artisans and volunteers. His Holiness Pramukh Swami Maharaj, revered spiritual leader of BAPS, consecrated the temple on 6 November 2005.”

It has its name now in the Guinness Book of World Records too.

Yay for us?

On a personal level, I felt more disturbed than awed by the sight. See what bothers me here is, this is vaguely reminiscent of the times when all progress was chucked out the window and buildings, magnificent ones, were built left right and center. This was the time when dear old Mughal and co. were in the driving seat. The rich were filthy rich and the poor were dying. Enter the British.

When the poor were dying and illiteracy was rampant, when there are regions in this country where art forms along with artisans are dying, when children young and old are sold off and ruthlessly disabled to be used as beggars, when we won’t talk about sex in our houses while we have a huge and an un-talked problem of forced incest and when issues like child education, child labor and diseases like AIDS are mostly ignored; what we need is a huge mandir. Sure. We already went ahead and demolished the Babri Masjid, killing off countless people in the process. Lets have another huge mandir, the Raam Janambhoomi mandir. That’ll help India shine. Oh and while we’re at it lets throw in a few Peace memorials and random parks (which serve no real purpose since they are no where near residential areas) for fun. Yes, what we need is more pointless structures, more money and time being wasted behind parliamentary discussions on “Is the name Bombay Scottish ruining our culture”, more commonwealth “villages” that’ll show how super fu**ing advanced India is and some more random boneheads, who just can’t comprehend what “cosmopolitan” means breaking things and making good people lose money.

Anyway, the coolest part of Akshardham is, its a temple, sure, but its also a mall and an amusement park at the same time; an amusement temple if you will. An IMAX, boat rides, light and sound and an air conditioned food court. It is amazing how God has so subtly been converted into a business plan.

Oh did I hear someone say “Teach children values and culture?” and “If thats what holds their interest why not?”. Why don’t we just package candy with a picture of God on top and a “did you know” underneath? That’d do the job pretty too. And we’ll make a killing on profits too. But no, that is where we cross the line. We can murder in the name of God, we can occupy any land we want (which might belong to some good man who has invested his life’s savings in it) and keep a few random stones and call it a temple, we can damage public property, we can dupe foreigners hell we can purchase some kid, teach him some random “shlokas” and put the bugger on the job. But candy wrappers? Really? Is Santa drunk today?

Moral of the story, culture and the heritage comes first. We are a nation of a billion (minus some) blind people who just refuse to see the past screaming “I’m friggin history, don’t repeat me!”.

And we’re a big country, the homeless will find some railway track to live beside anyway.

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A very famous political party who changed the name of the beautiful city called Bombay to Mumbai which now happens to be a not-so-beautiful city, wants everything in Mumbai to be Mumbai. I will not by any chance name the political party because I am scared of the Shiv ki Sena, like they want me to be.

Anyway, continuing with the report, the leader of the political party wants that all institutions in the city with ‘Bombay’ as a prefix to be changed to Mumbai, or else they will do something ‘horrible’. Oh yeah, that’s news. Shiv ki Sena doing something horrible. Their political party workers later targeted a famous school, the Bombay Stock Exchange, a textile showroom and a newspaper house.

So wait a minute, a person can’t use a proper noun in his/her company? Because last time I checked Bombay was a proper noun, and it isn’t even a slang. It was a name of a city before The Sena came and changed it and made it Mumbai.

The speech and the destruction has brough the party to the limelight again, the media hyping it, the youth getting all charged up. Example : “what is this nonsense what sena want to do. think man u r going to give a base which will be divide our country now u r dividing Mumbai after some time south Indian will demand to make separate country for us plz there is so much with mumbai person plz solve those instead of this nonsense”

Sure, you have demoracy and the freedom and the rights to do stuff, but there is an old quote, “Your freedom ends where my nose begins.” So, if they destroy property, then they are actually digging somebody else’s nose :P

The people also want the political party leader to be arrested so that he can get a bail within a day, I don’t get it, democracy is being used in India in a very wrong way, and as I had said earlier we should try becoming a communist country.

And trust me, next thing you know he wants to change history textbooks, stating the reason that Bombay is no more called Bombay, it’s called Mumbai.

Why do all this when you know your party is gonna lose the election, I wonder.

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The Indian film industry has been targeted again, by the now-uber-so-famous Anbumani Ramadoss who happens to be a cabinet minister in The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare. According to the minister there should be no smoking and drinking scenes in a movie. In response to that, the creative people say that this means there will be no creativity freedom, I say, there is no kind of freedom left anyway.

Ramadoss thinks, that he’ll be protecting the ‘Youngistaanies’ of this country and no on-screen smoking/drinking will not make them wanna smoke/drink. Er, Mr.Ramadoss, I won’t tear my shirt on the road if SRK does, so why would I smoke if he does? So you saw Mr.Khan smoke in a cricket match, it’s his cigarette man. As far as I remember, cigarettes are legal to buy and to smoke if one is above 18, and there is no sign on cricket stadiums saying ‘No Smoking’ It’s a public place, he can smoke wherever the hell he wants too, as long as there is sign telling him not too.

Oh and Ramadoss doesn’t stop here, he says ‘role-models’ shouldn’t be endorsing junk food, like fastfood chains and chip brands. Okay, wait, so why don’t we ban the ‘role-models’ to stop endorsing mobile phone’s too? Because if somebody sees them talking on the cell-phone, they will want to, too and then they might get cancer :)

Ramadoss then says that he wants to ‘protect’ both the urban and the rural people by banning on screen drinking/smoking and fast-food endorsing, because the people don’t know whats right or wrong, and they get swayed easily, right? I don’t really remember seeing Shah Rukh Khan, burn himself with his dead husband, but thats still happening right?

So according to him, the government doesn’t want people to be drunk? Then why the hell are there more taxes on light-alcohol like beer super high? I mean that doesn’t even make sense does it? It’s as ridiculous as President Bush’s comment, you know, the oil-prices-are-rising-due-to-India-and-China. We don’t even have oil, dude, we import are oil! WTF?!

You know it seems so weird, after shining so much, we as a country are moving into this safe-shell, we don’t want to be exposed to true things, we don’t want to be seen, we just want to move back to our ‘roots’, you know where the sati and the dowry prevailed. The ‘Indian culture’ comes in between of every step we take, to move ahead, instead of evolving, I guess we are de-evolving. For example the IPL’s cheerleaders controversy, we can’t see some white people shake their booties and show off their body? Can the ministers be that jealous because they are fat and still have man-boobies? Or are they jealous because they can’t sleep with them and they have to go home and sleep with their wives? Or, and this is just a guess – We can’t stand anything which is not Indian. If Ms.Sawant was stripping in front of everyone, the ministers would drool over their LCD’s. From being un-developed we are becoming developed, in opposite world <_<

So smoking is bad for health and so is eating junk-food, but if you think it’s so bad, ban them, and don’t make the ‘we’ are a democratic country argument, because it isn’t gonna work. Like China, banned half of the Internet you can ban smoking. But you won’t, because you generate a lot of revenue from it, and seriously nobody would cut a goose which gives a golden egg, right? (You here = the government)

PS - The picture was drawn by me XD

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The government decided that the students of high school and junior colleges should be given some information on sex and make ‘Sex education’ a subject and a part of their syllabus, personally I think it’s a good thing, as long as I don’t have to remember and then vomit it on an exam paper, because high schoolers are quite horny, and making them understand about things they already know, is well, just perfect and very government-ish.

However, some people, as always disagree with the government (Some people = people from opposition, you know the people who lost to this government during elections and now want to fuck them up XD XD)

“What is the need for us to appoint sex gurus? Europe needs sex education because of its declining population rates “ – Nawab Malik, NCP MLA from Nehru Nagar

I can’t help but ‘ROFLMAOing’ when I read this guy’s response, as far as I remember sex education doesn’t teach one the positions? I guess, he is just confusing Kamasutra for sex education XD

“Sex education is against Indian culture. It will affect the character of students and will lead to more crime against women” – Bashir Patel, NCP MLA

What culture is he talking about again? The culture where the woman used to be burnt alive when her husband died? Where there are women being molested every second? Where sex workers are as popular and easily available as a mobile phone? Wherein the Kamaustra was written? Where the kings married around a billion women? Where the girl’s family has to give money to get her married? Where the woman can’t even cross the street without men eying her? Seriously, we love woman so much here in India, that we can do everyone of them >.<

So, the subject of the introduction of sex education is put on hold, and will be discussed and most probably get dropped, because we Indians, don’t want filth in the heads of the kids, we don’t want to let the ‘children studying in the 12th grade’ know what a penis is, and if he has one or not, actually I shouldn’t be blaming the Indians this time, but old habits die hard, and plus if this government had not been the ruling party, they would have raised the same point, the same invalid/lame point.

Indians, one second they want to be developed, next second they want to be backward. Maybe we could make an advertisement and state points like ‘No sex education here’ or ‘We love money not the common man’ or ‘We want votes, cum and get high with us’ and then say, Truly India…Shining India :)

Jai Hindh, Jai Politics!

PS - The quotes of the ‘great’ politicians were taken from Mumbai Mirror’s article.

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I have never really been a ‘watch’ person or a junk mail reader for that matter, however, the mail from the company called ‘BlogWorks‘ caught my eye, it basically said that they wanted my feedback on either Fastrack’s new eye wear or their new watch collection, I chose to get a watch ;) It took kinda a while to reach me, and plus I didn’t get the watch which I had asked for, however, this won’t really affect the review.

Why am I reviewing a watch? Isn’t this blog about more serious things? Oh well, this how ‘we’ keep the blog running, even though practically we don’t spend a dime to run it, but we will soon, however I wasn’t forced to blog about my feedback/review on it, but I still am doing it , as a simple ‘thank-you-for-the-free-watch’ gesture.

So, I open up the packaging, and I see this tin which reminded me of my first Fastrack watch (because it had the same packaging, like ‘duh’) I obviously don’t remember the model number of that watch, as its been more then six years.

Anyhoo, let’s start the reviewing on the Neon Disc 1443SL01, it was requested by their side that the feedback be on the below given points. (The photo’s of the watch which I have reviewed : Neon Disc 1443SL01(On Flickr) | Photo’s shot by me(On Imageshack))

The style of the watch is quite original (not like it had a triangle dial or something) It’s ’subtle’ and it’s crafted well, it has backlight, which is obviously a boon for a person like me, who doesn’t want to strain his eye’s to look hard at the time, during the late hours in the night XD However, you can’t see the date in it which was kinda a bummer for me, and plus the backlight is no novelty as such :P Though, the watch looks cool when the backlight is on XD

The comfort level was not bad either, though it had a leather strap, I wore it for a 40 minute brisk walk in the morning, and it didn’t feel heavy, nor did the strap feel moist (I sweat like a pig, I do), the watch happens to be quite light, which is nice.

Now, we come to the main part of it, is this watch worth 1895 bucks? No, it’s not, when you can get a fake Rolex watch for 200, even though you won’t really get a ‘warranty’, of that watch, and even though the warranty is important to alot of people, but as this watch is trying to be more youth friendly, or as we call it, nowadays ‘Youngistaan’ friendly, it should make the watch available for a little less dough, because the college people don’t really save money, and most of them don’t get so much of pocket money and because they believe in the ‘use and throw’ system, however I do understand that you can’t really be a well established brand and then make products which are used and thrown away, however, the company which wants to make a special connection with the college going crowd, has to get their price right, I am not saying, people don’t buy Fastrack, I am saying, more people will buy it when the prices go down, then again it’s a honest opinion.

To compare Fastrack with another brand is difficult. Fastrack has it’s own place in the market, and it’s dominating the lower/mid range in watches.

And no, I don’t write reviews on my blog XD And I’d like to thank my mom, my dad, and my brain for the free watch, oh and obviously the Fastrack team XD Oh and Manpreet Kaur, the person who contacted me on behalf of BlogWorks.

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